Ever felt like screaming and crying at the same time?

swirling thoughtsHave you ever felt that you had so many thoughts whirling around in your head that you couldn’t think straight?

The last couple of days I have been wishing for Dumbledore’s Pensieve. dumbledore's pensieve It would be so handy to single out the thoughts and give each one individual attention.   (If you know where I can get one of those let me know!)

Since we got the call about B’s mum things have been a bit of a blur and now that we are at our friends’ to relax the exhaustion has hit me.

I have been stuck in bed for the past two days and I am feeling increasingly frustrated and annoyed; frustrated with my body for failing me and annoyed with myself for feeling annoyed.

I am very embarrassed that I have been in bed for so long and not spent time with our friends.  This is our first time visiting and I can only imagine what they must think of me. (Lazy, awful wife, terrible mum..)

I have slept a lot over the past two days – about 30 of the past 48 hours – and I am still exhausted. I haven’t been able to eat properly and that is no doubt contributing to my fatigue but chewing is super painful and exhausting. It’s a vicious cycle.

In all those hours of sleep I have been having some seriously strange dreams… on Thursday night I dreamt of some friends from when I was 11 [and who I haven’t seen since I was 12]. Last night I dreamt of another friend but this time from when I was 16.

In all of these dreams something bad was happening to my friends and I woke feeling very out of sorts. Was there a subconscious message in there somewhere?  What did it mean?  Did it mean anything? They were so vivid.

Mixed in with all of this is an overwhelming feeling of forgetting something important. My thoughts are swirling and I’m trying desperately to grab them but they’re moving faster and faster and just when I think I’ve got one it disappears and I’m left with a feeling of confusion.

The worst part?  This is all part of my lupus/fibromyalgia combo.




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